4 Signs it’s Time to Call an End-of-Life Doula
…you don’t have to navigate the once-in-a-lifetime journey alone.
Anyone who has experienced care of a dying loved one can recall the moment when everyday tasks became overwhelming. Sometimes it’s the small things, like when to find time for a shower or go to the store. Other times it’s the bigger moments, like “Am I doing the right thing? Am I tending to what's important? What is priority? How do I balance (or rather, squeeze in) my roles as partner, co-worker, parent, and more, given this all-consuming role of caregiver? Help!” If this resonates, keep reading below to see if it’s time for you to call in the support of an end-of-life doula.
1. You are alone or have a limited “Compassionate Community.”
As a culture, we’ve forgotten how to die. Not too long ago, people lived and died in multigenerational homes (aside from cases of traumatic accidents, homicide, or wars). Death used to be an event nurtured and witnessed in a community setting, and now, for the dying person, it largely takes place in hospitals and medical facilities. Many of us are aging or become ill while living apart from families, or without community support.
What about you—the primary caretaker or closest kin of the dying? Most of your time during this process in giving care and grieving will take place while you’re at home, trying to work, or trying to play. Without a Compassionate Community, it’s hard to be able to live while navigating dying. When you know you are taking care of someone who is not going to get better, that is precisely the time to reach out to an end-of-life doula for guidance.
2. You are not experienced or trained in terminal care-giving.
In a cultural backdrop that expects people to be all things to everyone, this simple fact might be hard to accept. If you do not have professional training in the areas of practical, spiritual, or emotional support for the dying, then it’s likely you don’t know how to provide terminal care for the person you care about. Let that sink in there for a moment and give yourself permission to acknowledge that you might just not know how to care for them, and that’s perfectly normal and natural.
You’ll know you need to reach out for help when you struggle to find time for daily self-care activities like showering, exercising, and preparing your own meals. Ideally you can reach out to an end-of-life doula long before this overwhelm sets in so that an end-of-life doula can accompany the dying person and their loved ones (this includes YOU, too) through the final months, weeks, days, and hours of life. The doula is there to provide support, resources, education, and companionship every step of the way throughout the dying (and bereavement) process. The doula understands their role as that of enhancement and empowerment—they are not there to usurp the role of friends, family, social worker, or hospice team. The doula can help to clarify all of the roles of these various team members so that the dying person and their people (family or family of choice) can explore new territory and live life to the fullest during this transition time.
3. You are struggling managing the dynamics of extended family, friends, and community.
It’s time to call an end-of-life doula when you’re challenged to navigate the difficult conversations among family members and friends when it becomes necessary to plan and prepare for final wishes at end-of-life. And then, during the depth of grief, what about obituaries, cremations, funerals, and celebration-of-life arrangements. It’s a lot. During (or ideally, before) overwhelm, I help you identify physical, practical, logistical, spiritual, and emotional strategies for meeting the needs of everyone involved so they feel seen, heard, and valued. This may include extended family, friends, neighbors, faith community, and healthcare providers. In other cases, where some people don’t have a surrounding community or feel alone, that’s where I step in as companion and educator for end-of-life doula support including:
Offering companionship to the caregivers
Promoting self-care for the caregivers
Educating on what to expect in the final weeks, days, and hours
Providing respite care
Keeping vigil during active dying
Supporting grief and bereavement processes
The end-of-life doula bridges the gaps between the dying, their loved ones, their friends and community, and their healthcare team while promoting a respectful and safe environment where everyone involved can learn, respond, and evolve.
4. The dying person (for many reasons) may have difficulty opening up to you.
People who are dying often may not open up to their loved ones in the attempt to protect them from difficult emotional experiences. A doula can be the person with whom the dying can be open and vulnerable. A doula can help guide the dying person through challenging conversations around:
Proactive preparation for aging and frailty: Engage a doula to provide education and resources for navigating the topics of death and dying. The doula will help the dying explore personal beliefs and values and plan for the future.
Legacy work and life review: The doula helps to create a system and plan for capturing stories, anecdotes, and history now, because soon, it will be too late.
Terminal illness diagnosis: The doula helps navigate difficult conversations and make informed decisions around terminal care.
Emotional and Spiritual support: The doula provides a compassionate presence and a listening ear. The dying person may also be experiencing their own grief. The doula is trained and experienced in facilitating meaningful conversations and personal exploration during this challenging time.
Aging and Advanced Care Planning: The doula helps the dying to organize their advanced directives such as “The Pink Sheet” or DNR (Do Not Resuscitate order). The doula knows where all of this information is kept. Like, when the EMTs rush in after a fall, for example, they do not know to look in the wicker basket or thumb through the pile on top of the filing cabinet to determine whether or not to administer CPR. They are trained to look on the refrigerator door for the “Pink Sheet.” This is one of the many practical preparations a doula can help you with.
The doula’s emotional, practical, and spiritual support to the dying serves to create a more peaceful and meaningful end-of-life experience.
Don’t wait until the final hours to call in the compassionate support of an end-of-life doula. I’m here to guide individuals and families in adjusting to their ever-changing “new normal.” I’m grateful and humbled to call end-of-life doula-ship my profession. As a professional, I’m the one with the time, expertise, and intuition to assure the dying, families, friends, and all the people in their precious world that they are loved and cared for with respect and dignity so that you can do what you are meant to do—which is grieve and be present for the experience. I’d love to have you contact me with your inquiry here.